Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Simply Amazing!
Lee DeWyze - Hallelujah
He sung this amazingly! So much PASSION, FIRE and DESPERATION that was conveyed by LEE's MAGICAL VOICE in this version!!!!Hope Lee will win this season..but if Crystal does then i'll still be happy cuz i love them both hehe
Friday, May 21, 2010
That boy...
No one has ever hurt me like you have. Ever. And i hope no one ever does again. But they say your first love is the hardest to get over. You were such a terrible boy for me but i clung onto you with such a tight grip, begging, and pleading, and breaking myself and my dignity down every time i tearfully sat in front of you, kissing your face repeatedly and asking you just to stay, to give us another chance, to just try. But you never did. You looked at me with such pity and out of guilt you would agree to stick around when you knew you shouldn't have. You were cold and heartless, but i learned that the first time you left me. However, when you came back after a long, lonely summer to yourself, i erased all of the memories and reminders of how awful you had been only to replace them with the hope that you were different, that you would be different, and that you would love me differently. What's that saying? How could I forget? "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me". Well you fooled me all right. You put on your beautifully deceitful mask and lured me back in to fill your emptiness, to take the place of everything you couldn't have when i was gone, and to make yourself better. You were always such a selfish ass****. I hope you grow out of that one day.
And so, naive and hopeful, i placed my hand in yours but more importantly, my new-found trust and my healing heart, right in the palm of your dirty hands. History repeated itself and i ended up your fool. I hate myself for that and if i could go back in time, i'd go right to the day where i received that text message from you. I remember exactly where i was. I was standing in front of my mirror, in my bedroom, getting ready to go out when my phone vibrated against the dresser. Casually i glanced down expecting it to be my best friend, but your seven digit number appeared on my screen. It no longer had your name with the little heart next to it, it was just a plain old number since i deleted you from my phone, from existance. I would go right to that moment and instead of stopping my world and my progress for you, i would ignore it and continue on with my life. But what happened, happened and there is no use dwelling on it. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. Some people look at that as a cop out, as the easy way to feel sorry for yourself, but life teaches you lessons. And this was one of mine, i suppose. A painful, devastating lesson.
When you left the second time around, i didn't know what to do with myself. I was broken, hopeless, hurt, cold, scared, depressed...i just wanted you back. I would spend my days just sitting in my room, thoughts running through my mind like a busy highway. I would just cry, and cry, and cry. And just when time had passed and i was finally getting better, something would set me off and i'd scramble for my phone and pour my heart out hoping you'd read my text and something in your stupid brain would click and you'd want me again. And then i would move on again, and then i would relapse and sleep with you. And then i would get hurt and move on again, and then something would set me off two weeks later and i'd be back to texting you. I was pathetic, i'll be the first to admit it. But a broken heart makes you do unthinkable things. It makes you crazy. For the longest time, i just felt broken. That's the only way to describe it. I wanted to give up on my life, on my heart, on love, on men. Just feel like wanna sleep with guys, lead them on, play with their heads...just to get back in some way, even if it wasn't directly to you. I wanted to be heartless. I truly felt like i would never feel for another man the way i felt for you, so why even bother trying? I felt like a zombie. Actually, i just felt nothing at all. You were moving on with your life. You were now a stranger. You were happy without me. And time just slowed down for me.
I'm finally getting the cue to move on. My heart is finally getting tired of beating in hopes that you'll come back. My mind is finally tired of replaying memories and haunting me with dreams. My fingers are finally tired of typing out your phone number. My lips are finally tired of craving yours. I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, time is crawling on, but even crawling is moving forward.
And now, now there is him. I knew him since high school. He's the kind of guy that gives me hope. He's not just a guy who wants me for sex, or he has yet to show that anyway. He's kind and cute and funny and he's everything i look for in a guy. I don't know what it is, but he makes me feel like i'm in fourth grade with the biggest crush. My heart actually feels happy again and he makes me smile. I'm not in love with him, not even close. I don't know what the future holds for us. I don't know if we'll talk for another week, or months, or years. I don't know if we'll end up together in the future or if it's just a crush. I have no idea whatsoever. But this is what i do know. You're not on my mind nearly as much. I don't get that empty feeling when i think of you. I don't miss you all that much. The sad places that remind me of you, are slowly just becoming places. Your flaws are standing out more than your good traits. I feel like maybe, just maybe, i could love someone more than you. I'm not scared to live anymore, i'm not so scared to love.
That guy...i don't know what will happen with us. I don't need to know right now though, because the fact that i'm feeling at all is beautiful for me. I don't need any sort of elaborate love story to save me, i just need hope and someone who can cheer me up..
And so, naive and hopeful, i placed my hand in yours but more importantly, my new-found trust and my healing heart, right in the palm of your dirty hands. History repeated itself and i ended up your fool. I hate myself for that and if i could go back in time, i'd go right to the day where i received that text message from you. I remember exactly where i was. I was standing in front of my mirror, in my bedroom, getting ready to go out when my phone vibrated against the dresser. Casually i glanced down expecting it to be my best friend, but your seven digit number appeared on my screen. It no longer had your name with the little heart next to it, it was just a plain old number since i deleted you from my phone, from existance. I would go right to that moment and instead of stopping my world and my progress for you, i would ignore it and continue on with my life. But what happened, happened and there is no use dwelling on it. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. Some people look at that as a cop out, as the easy way to feel sorry for yourself, but life teaches you lessons. And this was one of mine, i suppose. A painful, devastating lesson.
When you left the second time around, i didn't know what to do with myself. I was broken, hopeless, hurt, cold, scared, depressed...i just wanted you back. I would spend my days just sitting in my room, thoughts running through my mind like a busy highway. I would just cry, and cry, and cry. And just when time had passed and i was finally getting better, something would set me off and i'd scramble for my phone and pour my heart out hoping you'd read my text and something in your stupid brain would click and you'd want me again. And then i would move on again, and then i would relapse and sleep with you. And then i would get hurt and move on again, and then something would set me off two weeks later and i'd be back to texting you. I was pathetic, i'll be the first to admit it. But a broken heart makes you do unthinkable things. It makes you crazy. For the longest time, i just felt broken. That's the only way to describe it. I wanted to give up on my life, on my heart, on love, on men. Just feel like wanna sleep with guys, lead them on, play with their heads...just to get back in some way, even if it wasn't directly to you. I wanted to be heartless. I truly felt like i would never feel for another man the way i felt for you, so why even bother trying? I felt like a zombie. Actually, i just felt nothing at all. You were moving on with your life. You were now a stranger. You were happy without me. And time just slowed down for me.
I'm finally getting the cue to move on. My heart is finally getting tired of beating in hopes that you'll come back. My mind is finally tired of replaying memories and haunting me with dreams. My fingers are finally tired of typing out your phone number. My lips are finally tired of craving yours. I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, time is crawling on, but even crawling is moving forward.
And now, now there is him. I knew him since high school. He's the kind of guy that gives me hope. He's not just a guy who wants me for sex, or he has yet to show that anyway. He's kind and cute and funny and he's everything i look for in a guy. I don't know what it is, but he makes me feel like i'm in fourth grade with the biggest crush. My heart actually feels happy again and he makes me smile. I'm not in love with him, not even close. I don't know what the future holds for us. I don't know if we'll talk for another week, or months, or years. I don't know if we'll end up together in the future or if it's just a crush. I have no idea whatsoever. But this is what i do know. You're not on my mind nearly as much. I don't get that empty feeling when i think of you. I don't miss you all that much. The sad places that remind me of you, are slowly just becoming places. Your flaws are standing out more than your good traits. I feel like maybe, just maybe, i could love someone more than you. I'm not scared to live anymore, i'm not so scared to love.
That guy...i don't know what will happen with us. I don't need to know right now though, because the fact that i'm feeling at all is beautiful for me. I don't need any sort of elaborate love story to save me, i just need hope and someone who can cheer me up..
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Heartache
There is too much heartache
inside me to handle
When I do something right
it falls to a shamble
I try, oh Lord, I Try
but I cry..
There's nothing I can do
to fix this heart of mine
It keeps coming back, Lord
like a poisonous vine.
Oh, Lord, give me a sign!
What I want is simple
It's for him to be mine.
I wait for you to say
"Baby, I know I was wrong"
but that will never come
cause you think you are strong.
What's so hard about it?
I am always thinking.
I hope you can now feel
how my heart is sinking
But i know you won't..
inside me to handle
When I do something right
it falls to a shamble
I try, oh Lord, I Try
but I cry..
There's nothing I can do
to fix this heart of mine
It keeps coming back, Lord
like a poisonous vine.
Oh, Lord, give me a sign!
What I want is simple
It's for him to be mine.
I wait for you to say
"Baby, I know I was wrong"
but that will never come
cause you think you are strong.
What's so hard about it?
I am always thinking.
I hope you can now feel
how my heart is sinking
But i know you won't..
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Great Performance
Duets by Casey & Big Mike - Have You Ever Really Love A Woman. One of my fav song of all times. Love the way Casey played the guitar *faint*..great duets..what say you DJJ? hehehe
p/s: didn't get to download the rest of the performance cos internet connection slow last night hehe Ini dulu lah ok DJJ..hehehe Later me add lagi..
Lee & Crystal - Falling Slowly. I love both of them...and they look so good together.
Lee DeWyze - that's Life...so what say you DJJ? ehehee great performance eh? ;) Just love it!!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
TAG TIME!
1. Ucap terima kasih & letakkan link orang yang memberi award ini.
An award from my best friend, Debra. Thanx darling!! eventhough i know my blog not as interesting as yours..hehe
2. Nyatakan 7 perkara tentang diri anda.
i. Im a blur kind of person. Just like DJJ..i'm kinda slow to get people's jokes or anything. I don't know why..but yeah..that's me. Orang habis ketawa, baru saya ketawa. My face expression will change..my eyes getting smaller cos thinking and trying to imagine what people talking about or thinking which part is funny..haha It's kinda annoying at times kan guys hahaha but then..that's me. Sorry ya..hehe
ii. I'm a dreamer~ i lovee to dream. Since i was young, i love to dream of having a beautiful house near the beach hehe and oh ya..again..just like DJJ, i always dream to wed a Caucasion guy and live happily ever after..hehe..well, that's my angan-angan lah..hehe I dream to be a VJ or TV host..but then..sigh~ long story..hehe
iii. I'm an imaginative person. I don't know why but i always tend to imagine things. Like..before i do something, i'll imagine it first before i act hehe and also, before i tell something to people bout funny stuffs, i'm already laughing before i tell them the story. My imagination is soo strong till i can laugh alone while imagining things..hehe..some of my friends find it irritating cos i always laugh before i tell them the stories hehe
iv. I can't live without music~ hehe..music is my life. Not only music lah..hehe entertainment! I just love entertainment. At times He got irritated cos i always watch entertainment channel..while He likes to watch Travel & Living, Asian Food Channel, Discovery, Nat Geo, etc..but surprisingly we never argue bout it haha kasi "chance" la because He's not always home juga kan..heeeee~
v. When i love someone, i'll just stick to them no matter what. I guess this is my bad attitude. When the person i love so much hurts me or do bad things to me, i have no idea why i still stay and giving them chances by chances. I'll always be there for them no matter what the consequences. I'll do basically anything for them. Yes..some people says it's good and some say it's stupid. Well, this is me. I just can't change that. To me...CINTA ITU AGUNG! hahahaha i know you gonna say that DJJ..so before you say it, i'll say it out hehe
vi. I'm a shy girl/not social. This is why i don't have much friends. I'm not good in making a conversation with a stranger. Now i'm a bit ok lah..not like before. I don't even interact with strangers hehe only my schoolmates or families. I remembered when i was in high school and in college, guys used to called me "sombong" cos i don't really talk to them. It's not that i'm arrogant, it's just that i don't know what to talk to you guys. And girls especially starts to hate me..not only me..but with all my best friends (kan DJJ..hehe)..sigh~ well, what can i say..we're famous before kan DJJ hahaha!!
vii. I'm an observant. I like to see people's attitude and laugh at it myself. I don't see the way they dress or walk, i just like to observe the attitude. Like..in a crowd, i would sit in a corner of the room and see each one of their attitudes. I can easily know just by the way they talk or their gestures..hehe..learn it from Mass Communicaion hehehe
Hmm...macam banyak lagi i wanna say oo. I thought just now it was hard to do..skali tengok..cukup suda 7..sigh~..hehehe well, this is the real me (in case you guys don't know)..ada banyak lagi..but next time la. This post just need 7 kan..haha
Till then..toodles~
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
100510
Went out with my bestie, DJJ and LNC..was really fun gurl. Miss it very much..hehe..nothing has changed..still the gila² us. The only thing that changed is that..we're talking bout careers, family, marriage..all the grown up things. It's kinda weird now we're 25 years old and talking about all the grown up stuffs. Few years back we're talking about boyfriends and crushes. And LNC..i would never thought you talking about marriage already now. Wow..i mean, she's the kind of girl who wants to study, study study..cause "malas mau kerja" as she used to say before hehe and DJJ, talking about her experiences after saying "I Do"...i realize we're getting older gurls..haha
Lovely, me & Debra
After having dinner at Blue Wave, we went to Black Gold Cafe (ngam ka?) to meet LNC's sister and some friend...And that's when we saw Nora and her ehem ehem..hehe than as usual..ambil gambar time hehehe
with Nora, Lovely & Debra
Monday, May 10, 2010
Debra's B'day..
Today is my bestie, DJJ birthday. So, me and DWJ surprised her with a birthday cake hehe apa la perasaan ko darling? aahhh~...
In the past, when we were kids, we usually had many best friends. Later on in life, most might not call certain friends, "best friends", anymore. However, we still know which friends we are closest with.
* Hope you like the cake DJJ..hehe..Once again, Happy 25th Birthday darling! luv ya!!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
I AM
SHRINKING..
Every so often I go into "cave mode".
I leave my house only for work and grocery shopping. I stop answering the phone except calls from my family or close friends. I sleep way too much on my days off and can't get any sleep on the days when I have to work. My world shrinks down to something safe and semi-controllable.
It is at once comforting and uncomfortable. I am all alone with myself. I can play my lappy toppy for hours or read cheesy romance novels or watch tivo. I can eat weird food that I made up and watch Keeping Up With The kardashians marathons. All the things that I might not do if I was out having a life.
But... I am all alone with myself. Scenes from past breakups play in my head. Fights with my parents or friends, secrets I've kept, lies I've told keep me up at night even if they are years or decades old. I am restless and oversensitive. I cry for no reason and every reason. I don't clean up my room and it starts to look as cluttered as I feel.
Then, slowly, things start to turn around. I start feeling better. I clean. I forgive myself. I laugh again instead of just pretending. I play netball every weekend..and now there's a netball practice every Tuesday and Thursday after work, which is very good.
I realize that this may not be 'normal'. I know that part of it is a reaction to how cut off I am here in Lbn - from family and friends. But part of it is the darkness that I have always carried with me and that I sometimes tired of fighting.
This is the first time that I can remember trying to fight the urge to burrow. To shrink my world down into my little cave and stay there. I'm making vague plans to get out and about in the next few days. Little things like washing my car or playing netball. I'm trying to start small.
Every so often I go into "cave mode".
I leave my house only for work and grocery shopping. I stop answering the phone except calls from my family or close friends. I sleep way too much on my days off and can't get any sleep on the days when I have to work. My world shrinks down to something safe and semi-controllable.
It is at once comforting and uncomfortable. I am all alone with myself. I can play my lappy toppy for hours or read cheesy romance novels or watch tivo. I can eat weird food that I made up and watch Keeping Up With The kardashians marathons. All the things that I might not do if I was out having a life.
But... I am all alone with myself. Scenes from past breakups play in my head. Fights with my parents or friends, secrets I've kept, lies I've told keep me up at night even if they are years or decades old. I am restless and oversensitive. I cry for no reason and every reason. I don't clean up my room and it starts to look as cluttered as I feel.
Then, slowly, things start to turn around. I start feeling better. I clean. I forgive myself. I laugh again instead of just pretending. I play netball every weekend..and now there's a netball practice every Tuesday and Thursday after work, which is very good.
I realize that this may not be 'normal'. I know that part of it is a reaction to how cut off I am here in Lbn - from family and friends. But part of it is the darkness that I have always carried with me and that I sometimes tired of fighting.
This is the first time that I can remember trying to fight the urge to burrow. To shrink my world down into my little cave and stay there. I'm making vague plans to get out and about in the next few days. Little things like washing my car or playing netball. I'm trying to start small.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Taking Over Me
you don't remember me but i remember you
i lie awake and try so hard not to think of you
but who can decide what they dream?
and dream i do...
i believe in you
i'll give up everything just to find you
i have to be with you to live to breathe
you're taking over me
have you forgotten all i know
and all we had?
you saw me mourning my love for you
and touched my hand
i knew you loved me then
i believe in you
i'll give up everything just to find you
i have to be with you to live to breathe
you're taking over me
i look in the mirror and see your face
if i look deep enough
so many things inside that are just like you are taking over
i lie awake and try so hard not to think of you
but who can decide what they dream?
and dream i do...
i believe in you
i'll give up everything just to find you
i have to be with you to live to breathe
you're taking over me
have you forgotten all i know
and all we had?
you saw me mourning my love for you
and touched my hand
i knew you loved me then
i believe in you
i'll give up everything just to find you
i have to be with you to live to breathe
you're taking over me
i look in the mirror and see your face
if i look deep enough
so many things inside that are just like you are taking over
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