This will be my last and final post on this blog, therefore I will allow myself to write with any amount of anger and sadness and happy, and i can be as hysterical and depressed about nothing as I wish- before I give this up and move on to the rainbow/The diamond ring I want at Tiffany's/The old lady with healthier hair roots than I. "Better" things, basically. I like this space. I liked this space. I think I might be over it. Or not. Either way I am making a command decision, between me and myself to stop. Because like they say life is about focus and because lately I have been feeling more neurotic than ever! I have to block out anything that will cause me to sway away from the straight line that I am expected to, with poise and grace, walk down.
Personally, I've never been very good at walking down straight roads. I have, previously enjoyed making sudden stops and taking dangerous detours. Like I used to buy ice cream and permanent markers instead of going to tuition class. I always liked creating magic and causing chaos but I, over time have evolved into an adult and have come to realize that I have to play the game of life properly otherwise I get disqualified. I can disqualify myself, if I want to. I have the resources. I can either a.) sleep forever or b.) play tennis with heavy ankles and never breathe in life ever again. I've already written out my 68 ways to leave this world painlessly. I did that in college. Why would i do that? Why would i want to leave painlessly?..sigh~
I feel like I have recently, slowly but surely been removing parts of my soul and placing them alongside cold raw meat and other animal organs. I even give myself at a discount on some days. Days when I cannot be be bothered to fight for myself. My knuckles are not as strong as I'd like them to be. I don't think I should even been feeling this way. No one should feel this way. Never sell yourself short of what you are. Unfortunately, I am under the dictation of a force stronger than El NiƱo's-Southern Oscillation in 1998 that caused an estimated 16% of the world's reef systems to die. Feel trapped.
I dedicate this next paragraph to Amy Lee and every other depressing writer/band who I have come to hate and (secretly) want to be.
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I've typed nothing to describe the empty feelings that fill every part of me. I am, however, a strong believer that my God will save me from all of my above negative thoughts that I have learnt to not even think of but times like these I cannot help myself. I have so much thinking those thoughts. I have been sitting here for an hour now. Feeling terrible but terribly enjoying it and wanting to stay in this terrible state for one more hour. This is terrible~
Anyway. I am not sure if my life begins or ends but I swear I am definitely a better person who smiles more and has better posture.
Until my "Iam completely submerged under water and decide not to come back up", thank you and goodbye..