Worth it all

Just now I had an epiphany.
I love my bf with all of my heart and soul. This was not my epiphany (obviously), but it has a whole lot to do with it. There are many reasons why I fell in love with him, why I want to be with him. I cannot name them all, for I am still discovering them each day, but I can name just a few:

He is kind
He is selfless and selflessly loving
He is protective
He is respectful and earns respect instead of demanding it
He is extremely caring
He is honest
He is humble
He is genuine
He is understanding
He is reliable
He is devoid of arrogance or false pride
He is generous
He is unassuming and in the least bit entitled
He is faithful
He loves me even in my failures...

Here is where my epiphany starts to unearth itself a little:
There is a man I knew my whole life. For the past 9-10 years my "relationship" with this man has been, shall we say, strained. Very, very strained... to say the least. This man whom I looked up to from before I could remember to the time I could make sense of things and listen to my instincts and who was, for lack of a better term, a constant in my life should have been a great example, should have done what he told me he would do and look after me. Not only did he lie, but he did the opposite.

For reasons I cannot understand this man cruelly and purposefully pushed me away and broke my already broken heart. Ever since then I quickly lost respect for him. I know for a fact that I am not the only person who felt/feel this way and experienced the same or similar issues with this man. Or worse. Throughout those 9-10 years a lot contributed to the distance growing between the two of us. Without realizing it my bitterness grew and I shoved it away and kept it silent for years so that I would not hurt anyone's feelings or step on any toes.

Over the course of the past decade or so I took mental notes. One of my gifts is observation. Perhaps it's the actor in me. I have often learned from others' mistakes or actions and paid attention to what I should and shouldn't do in my own life based on those mistakes and my observations. Not to say that I haven't made mistakes, I certainly have. I've made big mistakes and I'd be the first to admit it, but I have also learned from those, too.

Moving on closer to my epiphany:

Falling in love with my bf was easy. One of the easiest things in my life. There are many, many reasons why I choose him and one of those important reasons is the fact that Kaynee is the complete opposite of the aforementioned man. Kaynee possesses qualities I never observed in this man and neither does he possess any of this man's major... hmmm, how shall I say this... shortcomings.

All of this I have known for quite some time, but what I realized today was this:

I know that there are plenty of lessons to learn from this, plenty of room to grow and become a stronger, wiser, better person, I know this is all part of God's bigger plan, BUT...

If everything I went through because of this man for the past few years or so, all the pain of betrayal that I shoved away and swept under the rug for the sake of others that is now unearthing itself and spilling out all over, if all of this brokenness and bitterness and anger was all meant for one reason and that one reason being that it taught me what qualities I should look for in a wonderful boyfriend, an amazing man such as Kaynee. If that were the ONLY reason, then it would all be worth it.

Absolutely WORTH IT ALL.

God has blessed me. I am learning to be joyful in trials and am finding the blessings in all of this mess. As all of this pain and anger and brokenness is bubbling out of me, I am eternally grateful for the generosity of the Lord. I prayed asking God for a better boyfriend. I prayed fervently. The Lord certainly answered my prayers. He has answered many of my prayers. He is STILL answering prayers. In the midst of all that is going on, God is answering our prayers. The answers may hurt for the moment, but the reward of our faithfulness will be greatly worth it all.

"My brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; and let endurance have it's full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1: 2-4)

081010 - 111010..

Hotel view..

I-City, Shah Alam

KL Tower

he said Sammy looks like me when i wear my spec..


Aquaria, KLCC

I Love & Loved the way..

You are my lover…my only love. I must be the luckiest girl in the universe to have you as my man. My love, it’s so hard to breathe when I look into your eyes. God bless that green and blue with highlights of black and white. I loved the way you looked at me. I loved the way you stared me down. I loved the way you followed me. I loved the way you teased me like you were hunting me down. I loved the way you projected yourself. I loved how you always told the truth. I loved the way you held my hand. I loved the way you wouldn’t let go, even after a minute or two. I loved the way you tricked me and that sneaky smile you’d put on. I loved the way you treated me, the way you corrected me when I was wrong. I loved the way you taught me when I didn’t know. I loved the way you praised me for all my work on the right road. I loved the way you called my name. I loved the way you whispered in my ear how much you loved me.

You are my boyfriend…my only hope. I’d want you to shine your love for me, more beautiful than a shooting star. I love the way you evaluate everything, from everyone’s thoughts to everyone’s cries. I love the way you read, your mind focusing, alerted. I love the way you look at me from far away, and smile. I love the way you appreciate me more than every while. I love the way you kiss me, as your lips touch mine. I love the way you ask me if I am all right, making me feel like a wife. I love the way you symbolize so much, for a meaning of such few. I love the way you tell me that you love the way I look at you. I love you when you make me feel special. I love you when you take all the loneliness away. I love you when you are yourself. I love the way you love me.