I Thought..

I thought...that you wanted to see me so badly
I thought...that you were happy spending time with me
I thought...that you enjoyed doing things with me
I thought...that you enjoyed walking with me

I thought...that you missed me
I thought...that we were both happy to be there for each other
I thought...that we had fun together
I thought...that we were meant to be

I thought...that we had fallen for each other under the same sky
I thought...that we had become one of them
I thought...that I had the feel again
I thought...that things would go the way it should be

But now I know...that whatever I've thought...it's just a thought...
It's not real..or perhaps, it's never real...

Shania's night

I love this week because it's country week..and the mentor is Shania Twain. I really can't wait to see what will the guys sing. Shania's songs all have a distinctly female flair, full of flirty asides like, "Hey, boys!" and "Let's go, girls!"..so with the guys sing this kind of song..it's a bit weird right (It was fun to imagine that, of course, but hard.) hehe


Casey James - Don't.
*This Theme and Week that I just love Casey..not because I love the song of Shania but just because love the arrangement and love the vocals...beautiful version!! This version's better than the original..seriously~

Lee DeWyze - You're Still The One

* My 2nd fav performance...*drool* Man, i just love when he sang this song especially the intro part. Just listen to his husky voice makes me go nuts..hehe..and not forgetting his gorgeous look + smile *wink wink*

Headache! Toothache! Just sick...arghh!!

I don't know what's wrong with me.

My symptoms: toothache, headache lasting longer than 4hrs, nausea, loss of appetite . . . no not pregnant . . . i don't have a boyfriend or what so ever

I've been having headaches all week long and they seem to be getting worse. I think its related to the toothache I've been having. I just visited the doctor this morning. If my tooth's not hurting my head is hurting to the point of me being nauseated. Either that or I have CHIKUNGUNYA. . . joke. . . I hope not. I figure after I see the doctor, if the headaches continue then definitely will need to see dentist. Either way this has been putting strain on my body and draining me completely, and am in no mood to move fast.

Last night my tooth was hurting so bad I took a pill of Activefast. I HATE taking pills. It took away the pain but I was sick to my stomach . . won't go into details. I don't know which one is worse the pain or being sick. I've been going to work still. I push through the pain but I can see my productivity is not as great as it could be.

Sorry la DJJ, i guess today we have to cari porridge la..hehe..no roti susu today okay..aahhhhh~ see ya later gurl~

Toodles~

Missing~

Today i feel a bit "jiwang"..i feel so lonely and that makes me think of him. I miss him so much..looking back my pix with him makes me even more sad. I Can't numb my feelings. I'm just so tired doing that everyday..it gives me headache..

Going online with my lappy toppy is the only thing i can do. While surfing the net, i stumble into this sad-yet-meaningful poems..

I will never forget the days we once had
The days when you were everything to me
My mind used to tell me we'd be together forever
But now I realize that was all a big dream
The feelings I have for you will never go
I wish I could take back that one regretful day
The day when I willingly let you slide from my arms
Never did I think of the astonishing pain of regrets
That I would once have to live through
The sight of you in someone else's arms
Makes my heart shatter into a million pieces
I sometimes wonder if you still think of me
Or if to you, I'm just a face in the crowd
I wish so very much that one day we can have it all back
But for now, I'll sit here silently
Remembering all the memories we once shared
Everyday my love grows much stronger
Hoping that one day you will feel the same
And put back the pieces of my broken heart

-Crystal Holtz

Life without you

us..

What my life is like without you...

I wake up everyday thinking about the dream i just had about you.. wondering what it means that i still dream about you. I pick up my phone everyday and dial your number... my hands tremble every time i reach for the send button..i'm afraid to know what you won't say when you answer, more than what you will say. I still get butterflies in my stomach when i think about you.

You know i tried so hard to make myself hate you... to make it easier for me to forget you. All i did was made it harder on myself. It made it harder for me to fall out of love with you. It made me fall in love with you more. It's hard to deny myself of these feelings.. and i have no way to express them to you anymore. I can't talk to you.. snuggle with you.. cry with you.. dream with you..feel your warmth.. hear your voice.. feel your touch.. listen to you sing in the shower..dance whenever there's a nice music playing on the radio..take care of you when you don't feel well..just to name a few.

I never understood how people could be so happy, how people could remain positive when everything fell apart. When all the smoke cleared I would be left standing...As always. Or that's what they predicted..it wasn't necessarily going to happen. This time it certainly would not. I felt so alone admitting that I'd lost the fight. I couldn't hold myself together, nobody could make this better. I let you take over my mind, I let you tear me apart with your silent words of encouragement. I let them cut into me..leaving scars of the past that I tried so hard to leave behind. The truth was that I couldn't imagine life going back to rainbows and butterflies, because that wasn't what I knew.

My bestiest, DJJ, gave me someone's blog about this lady almost lose her husband and it's a really touching story. That lady is very-very tough and i think i'm just the same as her (if you know about my past, then you'll probably understand). What caught my attention was when she mention why she can't leave her husband...and when i think about it, i have the same reasons as hers too.

I’m not really scared to lose you because I could not live without you. It’s not like that. I’m scared to lose you because I’m afraid you won’t be taken cared of anymore. I’m afraid you would have a miserable life without me. I’m afraid you wouldn’t have any direction and drive anymore without me. I’m afraid you wouldn’t be loved the way I love you. I am full of fear for the kind of life you would have without me. Maybe, a sad life. You might find it confusing, but you have always been a laid back person. Just waiting for life to happen. You're not like me. You're not a destiny maker, you're not an action packed person. You're passive...one of the reasons why you're a very good candidate for a devil’s victim. Even if you betrayed me, all that I am thinking is still..you!. I don’t know how to live my life anymore without caring for you. I cared about you so much. You know that right?

You were my strength, my backbone, my life..

Super HOT!!

Top 7 - Inspirational song week..

Love this song and he's so hot & gorgeous..as usual *wink wink* hehe

p/s: Enjoy DJ..hehe

Now You Are Gone

Sitting in the rain with my head on your shoulder,
your arm around me spreading warmth through my whole body,
Now that you are gone will you remember me?
Or am I just some memory you will put aside?
Now you are no longer beside me,
Every time I turn around I expect to see your face.
But I know you will never again be there,
you are just some memory I have to try to put aside.
How can I ever forget your gentle gaze?
That made me feel I had nothing to fear.
Now I sit staring at the gray sky,
watching the raindrops falling all around me.
The salt of my tears mixes with the clear fresh water,
and my mood matches the darkness of the sky~

Netball..17th & 18th April '10

with LSE's team member..

My team..

Numb

Staring at the sky through eyes blurred by tears,
Feeling so lost and helpless in this hateful world.
For so long she’s been trying to face her fears,
but what’s the use if no one cares?
She’s tried screaming but no one hears,
She’s tried so hard to hide her tears.
But how much longer can she hide the hurt?
That she’s been feeling for so many months.
Always hiding behind laughs and fake smiles,
never letting anyone see that side of her.
The side of her that would walk a million miles,
just to get away from the hate.
And to find someone that actually cares.
All the people she thought were her friends
Suddenly turned and said this is where it ends.
As they turned their backs and walked away from her,
She was left wondering “how long ‘till my heart mends? ”
They said she was crazy and out of her mind,
they said she wasn’t pretty or even smart.
If they looked deep inside they would probably find,
that girl is just like them.
The only difference is that they are mean,
so now she doesn’t even want to be seen.
They laugh and talk behind her back,
not caring about the hurt they caused.
She knew no other way to ease,
the pain that had slowly ruined her life.
Now she hides scars that no one sees,
No one sees the blood stained knife and sheets.
So quickly she goes from having no friends,
to having one very good friend.
She takes it with her wherever she goes,
using it when she wishes this life would just end.
Finally one day they noticed her wrist,
and made her hell of a life even worse.
They saw her pictures painted with a twist,
and said she was going insane.
They said she was crazy and dumb,
they didn’t understand that it made her numb.
Numb to the pain that others caused,
the pain she would bear for years to come.
Sometimes wishing she could sleep and never wake,
hardly ever thankful to be alive.
All she feels inside is and ache,
an ache that seems as if it will last forever.
Having no one to love but him,
the thought of him makes her eyes brim.
Her eyes brim with tears at the mention of his name,
Knowing he doesn’t really love her.
Her heart is broken as he says this has to end,
and he does what he promised he would never do.
He promised to never give her heart a need to mend;
now she knows it never will.
She never should’ve given him her heart;
She should’ve known he would rip it to pieces.
Now once again she is falling apart,
it seems she will never be whole.
Now she has resorted to the solution of pain,
Careful never to cut her vein.
No one really understood that it made her numb,
Numb to the pain that others caused.
The pain she would bear for years to come,
the pain that seems to never go away.

- Samantha White

About me in three(s)

i have not been tagged to play this fun little "get to know me" post but i keep seeing it around the bloggy world AND i have nothing better to blog about today and time to blog so there....

Three names I go by:

1. Natalie

2. Nicole

3. Annette/kunit/kenit (called by friends & cousin's)

Three jobs I have had:

1. Part time tv presenter for 8tv Quickie (best job ever!)

2. Exec. Link Coordinator

3. Personal asst. for Engineering

Three Places I have lived:

1. Kota Kinabalu, Sabah

2. Subang Jaya, Selangor

3. Labuan (currently) haha!

Three favorite drinks:

1. Soya Bean

2. Sprite

3. Root Beer

Three TV shows I watch:

1. American Idol

2. Giuliana & Bill

3. Keeping Up With The Kardashians

Three places I have been:

1. Brunei

2. Hong Kong

3. Melaka & Johor (LOL!)

Three places I would like to visit:

1. Disney World

2. Jerusalem

3. Vegas baby!! haha

There's a lot of places i would like to visit. I just love travelling!!

Three favorite old TV shows:

1. Friends

2. The Nanny

3. Oprah (is that count?) hehehe

Three favorite dishes:

1. Pizza & Spaghetti

2. Wantan mee..

3. Roti susu! hahaha (it's all DJJ's fault!)

Three makeup products I cannot live without

- Erm..i don't do make up hehehe

Three things I'm looking forward to:

1. Getting married to my one and only *wink wink*

2. KIDDOS

3. Being a stay at home mommy (fingers crossed) hehe

It's fun! Go ahead and play along

Symptoms of Low Blood Oxygen..

I have headache almost everyday. At first i didn't know what's the cause of it until today when suddenly felt like wanna faint. I feel suffocated..it's like my brain is lack of oxygen. So i google lah..and found this..

Low blood oxygen, also known as hypoxemia, is a condition where the oxygen level in your arterial blood drops below a normal level, which would be anywhere between 95 and 100 percent saturation, according to the Mayo Clinic. As blood oxygen dips down to 85 and 90 percent, your cells cease to perform as usual, upsetting the function of your organs and tissues. When this happens, you'll inevitably begin to manifest certain signs and symptoms of this lack of oxygen in your blood.


Respiratory Disturbance
If you had low blood oxygen, you would begin to experience shortness of breath. This particular symptom may start out gradual at first, coming on as an almost unnoticeable change to your respiration, impacting you more during times of physical exertion. But as your blood oxygen saturation falls, this windedness would become more and more pronounced, affecting you even at times of rest.

Fatigue
Since low blood oxygen is essentially depriving your organs of oxygen, you may begin to experience fatigue. And much like the symptom of respiratory disturbance, this indicator will typically come on slowly. You may start out feeling a little more tired than normal. This could then progress into fatigue until you finally feel exhausted or worn out. Sometimes, if your blood oxygen saturation drops rather quickly, this fatigue would hit you suddenly and unexpectedly.

Cognitive Disturbance
As your blood oxygen saturation falls, the oxygen that actually gets to your brain will unavoidably get less and less. When this happens, certain cognitive functions will be adversely affected and you may begin to experience intermittent episodes of confusion or uncertainty or even disorientation. It all depends on how your brain reacts to this deprivation.

Headache
For some people, low blood oxygen will also prompt periodic headaches. Normally, these headaches will come with other symptoms like a shortness of breath, fatigue or confusion. Very rarely will this symptom develop all on its own. It should also be noted that a headache due to low blood oxygen will react to anti-inflammatory medications, such as ibuprofen and acetaminophen, just like any other headache, but these drugs are not remedying your blood oxygen saturation, only this symptom of low blood oxygen.

Medical Care
If you were to experience these symptoms, you should contact a doctor immediately as the low blood oxygen itself could be a symptom of serious condition, like a chronic obtrusive pulmonary disease (emphysema or chronic bronchitis), a lung disease, a heart disease or undiagnosed asthma.

* Guess i have to start seeing the doctor now rite? hehe

Toodles~

From the bottom of my broken heart..

I live in pain. I suffer from a broken heart and have for quite some time now. I can't seem to break away from heart break. I believe in love, I thrive on love (that's why my bestiest, DJJ & LNC always mock me & called me "cinta agung"). I live, love, and breath music and it speaks to my heart and soul. I turn to music for happiness, for healing, for sadness, for every moment and area and memory and potential future happening of my life.

Sometimes, I can't fall asleep because I think about him, and even when I'm not trying to, my mind wanders and somehow it always gets back to him. I would think that talking to him might make it worse. It's just isn't fair why i have to always deal with all this heart breaking. Life is hard when you are one who loves, one who only knows how to love. I share love with the world around me, strangers on the street, those who I see in need every day, but those who are most dear to me receive the deepest love I have to give. When that love is disrespected, mistreated, unappreciated, and outright trampled upon with no regard for the heart that gives it unconditionally, it hurts so deeply. I'm not sure even my written words could begin to express it adequately.

I believe in forgiveness. I will continue to love unconditionally, regardless. I have always believed that those who will need forgiveness at any point in life should be quick to forgive without the need for someone to ask for it. That does not do much for the pain that is caused by the lack of the return of the unconditional love given, however. I just don't know how long i can keep up with this. It's just very hard to not to think about it.

"Ask me why i keep on loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me. The problem is that as much as i can't force you to love me, i can't force myself to stop loving you.."

How Could The One I Gave My Heart To..

How could the one I gave my heart to
Break my heart so bad
How could the one who made me happy
Make me feel so sad
Won't somebody tell me
So I can understand
If you love me
How could you hurt this heart of mine

How could the one I gave my world to
Throw my world away
How could the one who said "I love you"
Say the things you say
How could the one I was so true to
Just tell me lies
How could the one I gave my heart to
Break this heart of mine
Tell me...

How could you be so cold to me
When I gave you everything
All my love
All I had inside
How could you just walk out the door
How could you not love me anymore
I thought we had forever
I can't understand

How could the one I shared my dreams with
Take my dreams from me
How could the love that brought such pleasure
Bring such misery
Won't somebody tell me
Somebody tell me please
If you love me
How could you do that to me
Tell me...

Hey
How could you just walk out the door
How could you not love me anymore
I thought we had forever
I Can't understand

Lonely~

I seem to always feel so lonely nowadays.. I never used to feel like this. I just feel so depressed all the times. I just wish I had someone to hug me and hold my hand to make me better. Personally, music and movies always help me the most when i am craving affection and can't receive any, they both take me out of my world and help my moods. It's a terrible feeling without a doubt. I'll be perfectly fine and see something related to love, then break down inside, as it reminds me that i have nothing like that.

Next, the urge of needing affection just attacks me and i can't do anything but "tough it out". Besides music and movies, i'll hug the S**T out of my pillow sometimes as i try to sleep. I wish i could make more suggestions on how to deal with this, i've only come so far myself. The best and most common thing i can say is to be positive, no matter how you're feeling.

I wish you're here with me by my side. I miss you very much..it'll kill me not to be next to you. I just don't want to feel so alone anymore..*sob sob*

Lonely I, lonely love you,
Lonely I, surrounded by nothing,
Lonely I, pieced and waiting,
Lonely I, cursed without you.

Lonely I, sit and think,
Lonely I, was before I met you,
Lonely I, hopeless still love you,
Lonely I, pain and nothing.

Lonely I, in the darkness,
Lonely I, with my tears,
Lonely I, sorrow and hate,
Lonely I, is this my fate?

-Alison Mills

080410~

Cute nephew...Wesley Preston Koh

Babysitter yg berjaya..haha

With Phoebe & Hazel..

Hazel the rumpang gurl..

Casey James - Jealous Guy

* Great performance during Lennon/McCartney night..

Lee DeWyze Rocks!!

Leon James DeWyze..American Idol finalist Season 9 this year. Super hot & super gorgeous! Crazy for him. He have this gorgeous eyes which i can't take my eyes off, yummy lips *wink wink*..and great voice too! Gosh..he's just sooo cute & gorgeous at the same time *drooling*...and he plays the guitar! My kind of guy..The complete package (if u know what i mean) *wink wink*


look alike rite.. hehe

I noticed at times he look like Mark Feehily from Westlife..don't you think? hehe Well, i guess that's the kind of guy i like and always fall into.. *shy* *wink wink*


* Took me so long to upload this video...sigh~ Dedicate this video to my bestie, DJJ. Kesian dia blum tengok...hahaha

Slipped away..

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't..

Deep & Meaningless~

I, I don't know why I miss you so much
Yeah I, I don't know why I still feel your touch
You, you left me feeling high and dry
With nothing, nothing but the question why

Yeah you, I guess you had another direction
And leaving me with nothing but a dead connection

If you call me today
I'll say that I'm fine
But I bet you can tell by the tone of my voice
It's just a lie
You knew what you had
You still walked away leaving me in this mess
My love for you is deep and meaningless

You, you knew what you were doing to me
And I, I guess I was too blind to see
Well you hit where it hurt and you fooled me so bad
But I'd do it again to relive what we had

There are many things left to remind me
Of a love that I just can't leave behind me.

* sob sob*

Hmmm...

Found this on someone's blog. kinda amazed me..and i like it :)...read it slowly and you'll figure it out slowly..hehe

ImissyouandithurtssosomuchIdontknowifthisisnormalbutIhaventhadit
inawhileIfeelsoalonesolostIjustwanttoshutmyeyesopenthemtofindyou
BetweenthemorningraysthecomfortofgraysheetsIwanttofeelthewarmth
inyourarmsthescentofyourbreathIwanttowalkhandinhandandgetlost
withyouinthecityPartofmeisnothereeverythingisabluritssadIwanttobe
nextyourighthererightathismomentImafoolthatwouldneverchange
Afoolthatwillneverunderstandorcomprehendthelogicbetweenthis
madnessThefeelings areoverwhelmingandImslowlylosingcontrol
Ican'tbreatheIwantyouNownownow

why...

We had it all, just like in the films
Or the most exquisite novel
Our love was sublime
Taken out of the mundane
To a level seldom experienced

My trust was total
My faith had no weak spot
I felt truly blessed, albeit after a wait
While I rode the breakers of life
And paid for my folly

Well worth the wait!
Your arms were my Shangri-La
I saw the universe in your eyes
And held the world in my touch
Eternity became reality

Then you were gone
Snatched kisses at the airport
Never dreaming the turning of the page
As your smiling face
Was lost to my view

On a starry night
When the frost is on the ground
And the moon is high in the sky
And magic is all around
There I stand by the trees.

Papa Roach - Scars

Title: Scars
Artist: Papa Roach

I tear my heart open, I sow myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me, that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to fail.

I’m drunk and I’m feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I’m pissed cause you came around
why don’t you just go home?
Cause I channeled all your pain
And I can’t help you fix yourself
You’re making me insane
All I can say is

[Chorus]
I tear my heart open, I sow myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to fail

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you’re drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion’s in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

[Chorus]

I’m drunk and I’m feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shoulda never come around
Why don’t you just go home?
Cause you’re drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
I left my heart open
But you didn’t understand
But you didn’t understand

Go fix yourself

I can’t help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can’t help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

* Found this song when I'm listening to all the musics in my hard disc. Really can relate to this song. All i can say is....it's a really GREAT song especially the "go fix youself" part *wink wink*

310310

Adorable niece & nephew..

Hazel rumpang..

my kids..:p...Jayden Jamez, Scarlette Phoebe & Shania Hazel

with Phebut (sleeping) & Gidon..