Life without you

us..

What my life is like without you...

I wake up everyday thinking about the dream i just had about you.. wondering what it means that i still dream about you. I pick up my phone everyday and dial your number... my hands tremble every time i reach for the send button..i'm afraid to know what you won't say when you answer, more than what you will say. I still get butterflies in my stomach when i think about you.

You know i tried so hard to make myself hate you... to make it easier for me to forget you. All i did was made it harder on myself. It made it harder for me to fall out of love with you. It made me fall in love with you more. It's hard to deny myself of these feelings.. and i have no way to express them to you anymore. I can't talk to you.. snuggle with you.. cry with you.. dream with you..feel your warmth.. hear your voice.. feel your touch.. listen to you sing in the shower..dance whenever there's a nice music playing on the radio..take care of you when you don't feel well..just to name a few.

I never understood how people could be so happy, how people could remain positive when everything fell apart. When all the smoke cleared I would be left standing...As always. Or that's what they predicted..it wasn't necessarily going to happen. This time it certainly would not. I felt so alone admitting that I'd lost the fight. I couldn't hold myself together, nobody could make this better. I let you take over my mind, I let you tear me apart with your silent words of encouragement. I let them cut into me..leaving scars of the past that I tried so hard to leave behind. The truth was that I couldn't imagine life going back to rainbows and butterflies, because that wasn't what I knew.

My bestiest, DJJ, gave me someone's blog about this lady almost lose her husband and it's a really touching story. That lady is very-very tough and i think i'm just the same as her (if you know about my past, then you'll probably understand). What caught my attention was when she mention why she can't leave her husband...and when i think about it, i have the same reasons as hers too.

I’m not really scared to lose you because I could not live without you. It’s not like that. I’m scared to lose you because I’m afraid you won’t be taken cared of anymore. I’m afraid you would have a miserable life without me. I’m afraid you wouldn’t have any direction and drive anymore without me. I’m afraid you wouldn’t be loved the way I love you. I am full of fear for the kind of life you would have without me. Maybe, a sad life. You might find it confusing, but you have always been a laid back person. Just waiting for life to happen. You're not like me. You're not a destiny maker, you're not an action packed person. You're passive...one of the reasons why you're a very good candidate for a devil’s victim. Even if you betrayed me, all that I am thinking is still..you!. I don’t know how to live my life anymore without caring for you. I cared about you so much. You know that right?

You were my strength, my backbone, my life..